gratitude

i have been absent for the last week, caught up amidst the chaos and clutter of my environment, that also reflects my inner landscape; as i sit surrounded by half completed visions of the future and pieces of me that no longer fit. the weather has been equally confused, mixing blue skys and autumn sun with sprinkles of rain, downpours and the rainbow lovechild of both. i never really experienced the element of air last week, but i've most certainly been feeling the water this week, as the last 7 days saw the culmulation of the last 7 years of my fertility journey.

and i don't think it was a coincidence that today is all about gratitude. at a time, when it would be so easy to focus on all that we have lost. at a time when we feel our dreams of being parents lie broken at our feet. at a time when we are fighting the feelings of resentment. bitterness. sadness. at a time when my soul feels hollow and dark, i am reminded that my life is blessed...

and i am so grateful. i am grateful to my dear friend who came to see me with bright yellow flowers today. driving herself over to my house, even though she was ill, because she wanted to give me a hug.

i am grateful that, although this experience didn't give us the baby we so wanted, it gave me something different... a quiet belief in myself... a new path.
i'm not sure where it's taking me, but it feels right...

i am grateful that i have an amazing community of women here to explore this journey with and, although i have missed your journey this week, i am looking forward to the opportunity to catch up with you all again.

most of all i am grateful for the immense love i share with my husband. through this all, we have only become closer. stronger. more in love than ever. for having him in my life, i will be eternally grateful. he's my daily reminder that i am indeed blessed, no matter what.

day 5 and 6

i am a natural born hoarder. i think it is in my genes. my father hoards things and my mother hoards memories. as a product of the both of them, i didn’t really stand a chance! over the years, as i have tried to carve my own identity seperate from those assigned to me by my parents, i have found myself relinquishing the material belongings that no longer serve a purpose in my life. until now, i didn’t realise that the timing of this coincided closely with my fathers premature passing; but i wonder now if maybe his release from the physical world enabled me to do the same.

my mother, on the other hand, now lives with my husband and me. and again, until i embarked on this journey, i never saw the correlation. i see now however. and i see the mental clutter i have inherited and taken on can be overwhelming at times. and yes, i see it is clearly reflected in our surroundings.

since my father’s passing, my mother moved herself and their 35 years of marriage in with us. suddenly my husband and my organic beginnings of a life together as newly weds was hijacked and we found ourselves living amongst things we had no connection with. and, although over the last four years, i have found ways of releasing some of it: making room for a little bit of {us} to grow and survive, this first week of soul coaching has made me realise how much more space is needed in our lives: both physically and spiritually. both as individuals and as a married couple.

it is difficult because by mother is an integral part of our existance now. moreso because she is reliant on us for her survival, but also because we feel a sense of innate duty mixed in with the love. but i also see how we have been lost in obligation. and how our house has reflected this all along: with the three of us squeezing through small spaces filled with furniture that has no significance to us. through the apathy we have about our house, because it never felt like {ours} (we always thought that was because we were renting!) through each of the six moves we have made in as many years: searching for something, a sense of belonging. looking for roots. when really what we needed was to plant them ourselves. and like any good garden, we needed to prune it first. in fact it is only just now that i recognise we have yet to make a house our home.

for me personally, i still also have to deal with the mental clutter. clutter that i know is clogging up the channels of pure possibility. channels that i need to reopen and keep open to allow the magic to flow in. and i am re-learning the art of journalling, of purging on to the page the clutter in my head that serves no purpose. i am learning to release my uncertainties to something greater than myself. i am learning to liberate myself of my mothers hold, so that not only will we be free to create our own home, but i will be free to craft my own identity...

i feel lighter already.

day 4 ~ where are you now?

i was pretty much just about to hit the publish button when i realised i had just written another woe is me post.

because that is where i was. in fact today's affirmation really hit home: i never really felt enough. i always wanted to be more. i always felt everyone else was more.

but the filter gets changed today. i am no longer going to experience life disempowering myself like that.

i am struggling to find the words now, as i am only just digesting these new revelations, so will need to find some structure in the composition before continuing... in the meantime, wishing all my fellow journey travellers the best that day 5 has to offer, and see you tomorrow!

day 3 ~ clearing clutter

i am excited how this journey is permeating my life so fully already, and my husband and i plan to use our forthcoming week off together to de-clutter and reclaim our home completely (that's how rock and roll we are! ha ha)

seriously though, i always knew this, but sometimes it takes hearing something a few times for it to {click} and denise's words really hit home today: "when you begin to clear out any clutter in the environment around you, it can have a powerful corresponding effect on the mental clutter inside you."

for today however, i chose the level one task and cleared the small desk in our bedroom. when i first placed it there, i had visions of sitting at this desk and scribbling my innermost thoughts in thick notebooks... so i revived that fantasy again today: only i plan to make it a reality.

i am currently also doing the artists way and have been struggling a little with my morning pages. i had the very clear intention, whilst clearing the space today, of reclaiming the magic of morning pages right here: starting tomorrow.

and thank you again, wonderful kindred spirits, for your kind comments and support. this is becoming one of the most wonderfully empowering communities, and i am so happy to be part of it.

day 2 ~ making a commitment

i am blown away by the others taking part in this journey: both by the words written on your own blogs and the kind comments left on mine. and that alone is giving me the impetus to stay committed to this, but i know more is required...

i wanted to play full out today but, as it was my husbands first day off nights, i got a little distracted! so it's just a level one commitment for now. and probably just as well. i tend to get a little carried away with resolutions, and then end up completing very few of them!

what i'm going to commit to, for the next 28 days, is not write anything undermining myself in my soul coaching posts. this is something i have always struggled with. sometimes because i am genuinely uncertain or insecure. sometimes to be modest. sometimes because i fear if i don't point out my flaws, someone else will. and sometimes because i think it makes me a little more likeable, unthreatening. but i realise this actually serves very little purpose. and it certainly does not bring me any closer to who i want to be.

some time ago i read this quote:

our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? actually, who are you not to be? you are a child of god. your playing small does not serve the world. there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine, as children do. we were born to make manifest the glory of god that is within us. it's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
~ marianne williamson

and it resonated deeply with me. and today it speaks to me louder than ever.

day 1 ~ life assessment

i have to confess i am a bit of a personal development junkie. but never before have i been given such guided foundations to work from.

the level 3 questions were particularly enlightening and took me somewhat by surprise, as i had worked through the previous two levels methodically and didn't think there were any surprises in store...

but the way the questions were phrased: wow. they made me look at physical environment VERY differently. and, where under most normal circumstances, if anyone had asked me how i felt about my home i would have said, "i love it". (and i do.) i still found myself answering "no" to many of the questions. i didn't expect that!

the great thing is however, within the question also lies the answer. for example:
do "all of the objects in my bedroom give me joy and contribute to my feeling balanced?" i answered no, and so i know now that over the next 28 days i will clear out anything that doesn't give me said joy. perfect. particularly as i was only thinking the other day how to remove some of this clutter!

unfortunately i am still somewhat stuck with the life questions. i still stumble and want to come out with answers that sparkle. and everything seems drab and predictable. i think that's one of my greatest fears, that there is nothing beyond that. that this is it. this is me: a little drab and predictable...

still i remain hopeful, and will push on to see what the remaining 27 days uncover...

soul coaching: day one

i have to be honest, today sort of crept up on me and, i found myself in a momentary panic wondering if i have taken on a little more than i can genuinely commit to. as it is i am struggling with the other creative endeavours in my life, but then i remembered this is the very reason i wanted to do this.

i am going through transitions. there is a lot evolving internally and externally and sometimes i find myself lost in the quagmire. i am entering new territory. trying new things as i unearth a confidence which allows me to explore a little further. and i want to capitalise on that. i want to guide myself on the right path by discovering and honouring my authentic self.

so today is all about declarations and contracts. about creating a sacred space to honour the forthcoming excavations. and this is my altar: this fresh new blogspace that i will come and honour myself daily for the next 28 (give or take!) days.

my declaration is to show a commitment: to persevere regardless of how imperfect it (i) may seem or feel at times. it is my favourite excuse for the unfinished projects that litter my past, and today i declare a new beginning. i can't wait to see where it leads me.