day 5 and 6

i am a natural born hoarder. i think it is in my genes. my father hoards things and my mother hoards memories. as a product of the both of them, i didn’t really stand a chance! over the years, as i have tried to carve my own identity seperate from those assigned to me by my parents, i have found myself relinquishing the material belongings that no longer serve a purpose in my life. until now, i didn’t realise that the timing of this coincided closely with my fathers premature passing; but i wonder now if maybe his release from the physical world enabled me to do the same.

my mother, on the other hand, now lives with my husband and me. and again, until i embarked on this journey, i never saw the correlation. i see now however. and i see the mental clutter i have inherited and taken on can be overwhelming at times. and yes, i see it is clearly reflected in our surroundings.

since my father’s passing, my mother moved herself and their 35 years of marriage in with us. suddenly my husband and my organic beginnings of a life together as newly weds was hijacked and we found ourselves living amongst things we had no connection with. and, although over the last four years, i have found ways of releasing some of it: making room for a little bit of {us} to grow and survive, this first week of soul coaching has made me realise how much more space is needed in our lives: both physically and spiritually. both as individuals and as a married couple.

it is difficult because by mother is an integral part of our existance now. moreso because she is reliant on us for her survival, but also because we feel a sense of innate duty mixed in with the love. but i also see how we have been lost in obligation. and how our house has reflected this all along: with the three of us squeezing through small spaces filled with furniture that has no significance to us. through the apathy we have about our house, because it never felt like {ours} (we always thought that was because we were renting!) through each of the six moves we have made in as many years: searching for something, a sense of belonging. looking for roots. when really what we needed was to plant them ourselves. and like any good garden, we needed to prune it first. in fact it is only just now that i recognise we have yet to make a house our home.

for me personally, i still also have to deal with the mental clutter. clutter that i know is clogging up the channels of pure possibility. channels that i need to reopen and keep open to allow the magic to flow in. and i am re-learning the art of journalling, of purging on to the page the clutter in my head that serves no purpose. i am learning to release my uncertainties to something greater than myself. i am learning to liberate myself of my mothers hold, so that not only will we be free to create our own home, but i will be free to craft my own identity...

i feel lighter already.